TW: Brief discussion of depression and anxiety.

“Gotta take the good with the bad, smile with the sad. Love what you got and remember what you had” - Life We Live by Project Pat

The sunshine will come.

A phrase that’s simple, sweet, and to the point. Too bad no one talks about what it's like navigating through the darkness before the light breaks the sky. We can all in some way or form relate to the moment where we need to step away from socials and regroup our footings. Those days when our love for reading turned to reading slumps and the content creation felt like a chore rather than a passion.

These past few months, we’ve been navigating the uncharted territories of surviving the brunt of emotional turmoils. Especially in my boat, these days have been tough as hell and have yet to give your girl a break. The mental has not been so healthy, and some days bleed into this singular cycle of getting through until brighter days arise.

Then adding on the recent brigade of racial discrimination in both the community and our society, wading this turmoil takes a toll on the psyche. Racism is something that was never rare—as White supremacy is interwoven in the systems we navigate everyday— but in recent days the prevalence of discrimination has become a fast-growing decay that leaves many in its wake with a long term trauma. It’s never easy seeing the spaces we take the time to cultivate be bombarded with abusive practices that demoralize the intent behind the community. There’s this constant notion we have to maintain a sense of resilience to maintain your place in the hustle, but what about the aftermath? A cycle of rolling with the punches life throws, trying to grapple with the internal battles that come when your brain isn’t the brightest ray of sunshine, masking in a beautiful facade despite the fact you want to fall apart and never worry of where the pieces will lie.

I think it’s necessary to remember okay to feel like the situation is shit. Days of dark mental health days on top of navigating discourse of discriminatory rhetoric of misogynoir, anti-immigration, anti-LGBTQIA, and exploitation takes its toll on the mind. Creating a false sense of positivity merely suppresses the natural cycle of reflecting on the experience of feeling emotions and understanding how to cope with such emotions.

Even I had to sit with how to construct such notions of healthy coping mechanisms. You see, me and my mental health was hanging on like a stagnant marriage for a long period, just hanging on for the kids and the dogs.

That in itself is a multilayered childhood trauma for many, but we’re rolling with that analogy to stick the point in.

Words couldn’t confine the internal battles of involuntary numbness that depleted a large majority of life. There’s nothing like sadness that debilitates the body due to scarce motivations for anything partnering with a wretched state of anxiety that never leaves, just sits in tandem. Yet in the same vein, I constantly tried to minimize the experiences because after all, “it could be worse,” and “others have it bad too,” not even acknowledging the harm caused by myself. Getting that formal diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression was an experience that helps me qualify something that’s been plaguing my mind for years.

Will there ever be a normal? Shit..ask me again in ten years. For now, we just have to take time to balance engagement and care or else we’ll begin to lose ourselves in the ebbs of dark days. These past months were the starting stages of me trying to create a system of internal and external regulation, and I thought maybe sharing could help us all—at least that’s the hope.

Embrace the rage, and engage with the melancholy to deconstruct it. We’re not conditioned to live through the episodes of rage, merely taught to suppress and move through the elevated emotions. Don’t get stuck in those waves of sadness, but learn to understand what caused those ripples in the waters. I’m here to tell you that holding in those emotions only results in a shitty central nervous system and unregulated emotions. Honestly, zero out of ten experiences, don’t recommend that shit. Feel those emotions, get to the root of them and understand why they emerge. Deconstructing those feelings can lead to some breakthroughs that will help in the long run of healing that inner kid.

Then after getting through those heavy, harsh feelings then it's time to replenish that heart of yours. It’s time to remember what spurred that anger, and that it maybe roots from your central nervous system protecting something under attack. Whether it was the dark days of your yesterday, or the incorrigible thoughts of your mind, there was something inside you that kept you rooted in this world so cling to it. Cling onto those roots like it’s an Olympic sport then study and dissect it until you realize there’s something worth living for. Find those spoons that help you navigate the world we live in and reinstitute your engagement in it.

One of the things that draws us to the stories we find in dark romance, or other dark fictions is the reflection of the truths others would readily disregard. In the wild scenes of unhinged or scarred MCs, we find reflections of our own traumas that search for light. It’s time we put our big kid pants on and allow for our broken pieces to find light again. It’s a nonlinear and down right pain-in-the-ass of an experience, but it’s a path that’s necessary.

Community care is another way to combat the feeling of being without agency or control over the conditions of this world. With everything occurring in the world right now, community care is the top priority within advocacy. Even if you can’t provide financial support, you can find healing in volunteer opportunities or nonprofit care. Search up your local community events to remove yourself from the funk of powerlessness. It may seem like a drop in the water, but the impact you make in that one second can last a lifetime. Boots on the ground is more than just a trendy phrase, but is another thread of advocacy that is heavily underrated contrary to popular discussion.

Hobbies are an underrated practice, and we have to give credit where it's due. Find the niche that fulfills the spirit, even if it feels fruitless. Hobbies are the things that never need to be perfect. Society has made us believe perfection is the baseline, when it's merely life’s recombination. Do that craft project that’s been sitting in your closet for years. Maybe pick back up that instrument that brought you joy; sure, you’re not gonna become the next Bon Jovi like your teenage self thought, but it’s about living on that prayer brother. If a slump hits you this year, take some baby steps into rekindling the love you have for reading. Jump into a random genre to see if you like it, maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised that maybe the surprise pregnancy trope is a good, underrated trope…did I convince you? No?…I understand. Let’s get back to the topic at hand.

Clinical help—it’s scary at first, but after your first time it’s pretty fun. For years I’ve always passed it off saying, “one day,” or “I can handle it” trying to convince myself that the lid on these heavy thoughts was strong enough to keep things at bay. Thankfully, one day became enough and an appointment “just of maintenance” became the official diagnosis I needed to lead me into getting help. Not every journey will be the same nor will every treatment. Sometimes you’ll have to change providers, therapists, medications and treatments but one of these days the right combo will hit just fine.

With full transparency, there’s days where it feels like it’ll never change or get better. Those heavy feelings are creeping up at the helm, and bad habits creep up to be repeated. However, when those moments come, combat them with the alternatives. Think about all the book boyfriends or girlfriends that are waiting to hit your radar. Or the experiences in life that could only come to be by the circumstances you create. The moments in which your existence spurred someone else’s joy meant a lifetime, so allow that to be your reminder to live yours.

Those good days that brought a moment of joy were the reminder that this world can create something good. In the singular moment of time, every thread of cosmic creation resulted in the positive outcome because you my friend were involved—your existence brought on a cosmic synchronicity of joy, so pat yourself on the back. You did something that not even Dr. Strange could’ve done. So keep popping out those crazy feats, you’re doing amazing sweetie. I’m proud of you if no one else is.

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